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Damn, v. A
word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning of which is
lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to have been a term
of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree of mental
tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it expressed an
emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently occurs in
combination with the word jod or god, meaning "joy." It
would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion
conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities.
Dance, v.i. To
leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about
your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but all
those requiring the participation of the two sexes have two
characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly
loved by the vicious.
Danger, n.
A savage beast which, when it sleeps,
Man girds at and despises,
But takes himself away by leaps
And bounds when it arises.
Ambat Delaso.
Daring, n. One
of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in security.
Datary, n. A
high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, whose important
function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words Datum Romae.
He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of God.
Dawn, n. The
time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about
that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and
otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these
practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth
being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in
spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is
that it has killed all the others who have tried it.
Day, n. A
period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into
two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper— the former
devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort.
These two kinds of social activity overlap.
Dead, adj.
Done with the work of breathing; done
With all the world; the mad race run
Though to the end; the golden goal
Attained and found to be a hole!
Squatol Johnes.
Debauchee, n. One
who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to
overtake it.
Debt, n. An
ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver.
As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet
Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet,
Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him,
Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him;
So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him,
Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him,
Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it,
And finds at last he might as well have paid it.
Barlow S. Vode.
Decalogue, n. A
series of commandments, ten in number— just enough to permit an
intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the
choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for
this meridian.
Thou shalt no God but me adore:
'Twere too expensive to have more.
No images nor idols make
For Robert Ingersoll to break.
Take not God's name in vain; select
A time when it will have effect.
Work not on Sabbath days at all,
But go to see the teams play ball.
Honor thy parents. That creates
For life insurance lower rates.
Kill not, abet not those who kill;
Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.
Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless
Thine own thy neighbor doth caress.
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete
Successfully in business. Cheat.
Bear not false witness— that is low—
But "hear 'tis rumored so and so."
Covet thou naught that thou hast not
By hook or crook, or somehow, got.
G.J.
Decide, v.i. To
succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.
A leaf was riven from a tree,
"I mean to fall to earth," said he.
The west wind, rising, made him veer.
"Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer."
The east wind rose with greater force.
Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course."
With equal power they contend.
He said: "My judgment I suspend."
Down died the winds; the leaf, elate,
Cried: "I've decided to fall straight."
"First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral;
Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel.
Howe'er your choice may chance to fall,
You'll have no hand in it at all.
G.J.
Defame, v.t. To
lie about another. To tell the truth about another.
Defenceless, adj. Unable
to attack.
Degenerate, adj. Less
conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors. The contemporaries of Homer
were striking examples of degeneracy; it required ten of them to raise a
rock or a riot that one of the heroes of the Trojan war could have raised
with ease. Homer never tires of sneering at "men who live in these
degenerate days," which is perhaps why they suffered him to beg his bread—
a marked instance of returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had
forbidden him he would certainly have starved.
Degradation, n. One
of the stages of moral and social progress from private station to
political preferment.
Deinotherium, n. An
extinct pachyderm that flourished when the Pterodactyl was in fashion. The
latter was a native of Ireland, its name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or
Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it may chance to have heard it
spoken or seen it printed.
Dejeuner, n. The
breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. Variously pronounced.
Delegation, n. In
American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets.
Deliberation, n. The
act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
Deluge, n. A
notable first experiment in baptism which washed away the sins (and
sinners) of the world.
Delusion, n. The
father of a most respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection,
Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly sons and
daughters.
All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee
The world turned topsy-turvy we should see;
For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies,
Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances.
Mumfrey Mappel.
Dentist, n. A
prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of
your pocket.
Dependent, adj. Reliant
upon another's generosity for the support which you are not in a position
to exact from his fears.
Deputy, n. A
male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. The deputy is
commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and an intricate system
of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. When accidentally struck
by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud of dust.
"Chief Deputy," the Master cried,
"To-day the books are to be tried
By experts and accountants who
Have been commissioned to go through
Our office here, to see if we
Have stolen injudiciously.
Please have the proper entries made,
The proper balances displayed,
Conforming to the whole amount
Of cash on hand— which they will count.
I've long admired your punctual way—
Here at the break and close of day,
Confronting in your chair the crowd
Of business men, whose voices loud
And gestures violent you quell
By some mysterious, calm spell—
Some magic lurking in your look
That brings the noisiest to book
And spreads a holy and profound
Tranquillity o'er all around.
So orderly all's done that they
Who came to draw remain to pay.
But now the time demands, at last,
That you employ your genius vast
In energies more active. Rise
And shake the lightnings from your eyes;
Inspire your underlings, and fling
Your spirit into everything!"
The Master's hand here dealt a whack
Upon the Deputy's bent back,
When straightway to the floor there fell
A shrunken globe, a rattling shell
A blackened, withered, eyeless head!
The man had been a twelvemonth dead.
Jamrach Holobom.
Destiny, n. A
tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for failure.
Diagnosis, n. A
physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's pulse and purse.
Diaphragm, n. A
muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the
bowels.
Diary, n. A
daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself
without blushing.
Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ
All that he had of wisdom and of wit.
So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died,
Erased all entries of his own and cried:
"I'll judge you by your diary." Said Hearst:
"Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First"—
Straightway producing, jubilant and proud,
That record from a pocket in his shroud.
The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er,
Each stupid line of which he knew before,
Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit
On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit;
Then gravely closed the book and gave it back.
"My friend, you've wandered from your proper track:
You'd never be content this side the tomb—
For big ideas Heaven has little room,
And Hell's no latitude for making mirth,"
He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth.
"The Mad Philosopher."
Dictator, n. The
chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of despotism to the plague
of anarchy.
Dictionary, n. A
malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and
making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful
work.
Die, n. The
singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because there is a
prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long intervals, however, some one
says: "The die is cast," which is not true, for it is cut. The word is
found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet and domestic economist,
Senator Depew:
A cube of cheese no larger than a die
May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.
Digestion, n. The
conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices
are evolved instead— a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr.
Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from
dyspepsia.
Diplomacy, n. The
patriotic art of lying for one's country.
Disabuse, v.t. The
present your neighbor with another and better error than the one which he
has deemed it advantageous to embrace.
Discriminate, v.i. To
note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more
objectionable than another.
Discussion, n. A
method of confirming others in their errors.
Disobedience, n. The
silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
Disobey, v.t. To
celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command.
His right to govern me is clear as day,
My duty manifest to disobey;
And if that fit observance e'er I shun
May I and duty be alike undone.
Israfel Brown.
Dissemble, v.i. To
put a clean shirt upon the character.
Let us dissemble.— Adam.
Distance, n. The
only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and
keep.
Distress, n. A
disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
Divination, n. The
art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of as many kinds as there are
fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce and the early fool.
Dog, n. A
kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and
surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being in some of his smaller
and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection of Woman, the place to
which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog is a survival— an
anachronism. He toils not, neither does he spin, yet Solomon in all his
glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long, sun-soaked and fly-fed and
fat, while his master worked for the means wherewith to purchase the idle
wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look of tolerant recognition.
Dragoon, n. A
soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal measure that he makes
his advances on foot and his retreats on horseback.
Dramatist, n. One
who adapts plays from the French.
Druids, n. Priests
and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion which did not disdain to
employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice. Very little is now known
about the Druids and their faith. Pliny says their religion, originating
in Britain, spread eastward as far as Persia. Caesar says those who
desired to study its mysteries went to Britain. Caesar himself went to
Britain, but does not appear to have obtained any high preferment in the
Druidical Church, although his talent for human sacrifice was
considerable.
Druids performed
their religious rites in groves, and knew nothing of church mortgages and
the season-ticket system of pew rents. They were, in short, heathens and—
as they were once complacently catalogued by a distinguished prelate of
the Church of England— Dissenters.
Duck-bill, n. Your
account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season.
Duel, n. A
formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two enemies. Great
skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if awkwardly performed
the most unexpected and deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A long
time ago a man lost his life in a duel.
That dueling's a gentlemanly vice
I hold; and wish that it had been my lot
To live my life out in some favored spot—
Some country where it is considered nice
To split a rival like a fish, or slice
A husband like a spud, or with a shot
Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot
And ready to be put upon the ice.
Some miscreants there are, whom I do long
To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim
The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners,
I seem to see them now— a mighty throng.
It looks as if to challenge me they came,
Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners!
Xamba Q. Dar.
Dullard, n. A
member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. The Dullards came in
with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy have overrun the habitable
world. The secret of their power is their insensibility to blows; tickle
them with a bludgeon and they laugh with a platitude. The Dullards came
originally from Boeotia, whence they were driven by stress of starvation,
their dullness having blighted the crops. For some centuries they infested
Philistia, and many of them are called Philistines to this day. In the
turbulent times of the Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually
overspread all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art,
literature, science and theology. Since a detachment of Dullards came over
with the Pilgrims in the Mayflower and made a favorable report of
the country, their increase by birth, immigration, and conversion has been
rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy statistics the number
of adult Dullards in the United States is but little short of thirty
millions, including the statisticians. The intellectual centre of the race
is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, but the New England Dullard is the
most shockingly moral.
Duty, n. That
which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of
desire.
Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court,
Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port.
His anger provoked him to take the king's head,
But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread,
Instead.
G.J.
Eat, v.i. To
perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication,
humectation, and deglutition.
"I was in the
drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat-Savarin, beginning an
anecdote. "What!" interrupted Rochebriant; "eating dinner in a
drawing-room?" "I must beg you to observe, monsieur," explained the great
gastronome, "that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I
had dined an hour before."
Eavesdrop, v.i. Secretly
to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself.
A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free—
The subject engaging them was she.
"I think," said one, "and my husband thinks
That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
"I will not stay," she said, with a pout,
"To hear my character lied about!"
Gopete Sherany.
Eccentricity, n. A
method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their
incapacity.
Economy, n. Purchasing
the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that
you cannot afford.
Edible, adj. Good
to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a
snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
Editor, n. A
person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, Rhadamanthus and
Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely virtuous censor, but so
charitable withal that he tolerates the virtues of others and the vices of
himself; who flings about him the splintering lightning and sturdy
thunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch of firecrackers
petulantly uttering his mind at the tail of a dog; then straightway
murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft as the cooing of a donkey intoning its
prayer to the evening star. Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled
upon the throne of thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of
the Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the
editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to suit.
And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard the voice of
the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines of religious
meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack up some pathos.
O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought,
A gilded impostor is he.
Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought,
His crown is brass,
Himself an ass,
And his power is fiddle-dee-dee.
Prankily, crankily prating of naught,
Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought.
Public opinion's camp-follower he,
Thundering, blundering, plundering free.
Affected,
Ungracious,
Suspected,
Mendacious,
Respected contemporaree!
J.H. Bumbleshook.
Education, n. That
which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of
understanding.
Effect, n. The
second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The
first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other— which is no more
sensible than it would be for one who has never seen a dog except in the
pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of a dog.
Egotist, n. A
person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
Megaceph, chosen to serve the State
In the halls of legislative debate,
One day with all his credentials came
To the capitol's door and announced his name.
The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist
Of the face, at the eminent egotist,
And said: "Go away, for we settle here
All manner of questions, knotty and queer,
And we cannot have, when the speaker demands
To be told how every member stands,
A man who to all things under the sky
Assents by eternally voting 'I'."
Ejection, n. An
approved remedy for the disease of garrulity. It is also much used in
cases of extreme poverty.
Elector, n. One
who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of another man's
choice.
Electricity, n. The
power that causes all natural phenomena not known to be caused by
something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt
to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents in that
great and good man's career. The memory of Dr. Franklin is justly held in
great reverence, particularly in France, where a waxen effigy of him was
recently on exhibition, bearing the following touching account of his life
and services to science:
"Monsieur Franqulin,
inventor of electricity. This illustrious savant, after having made
several voyages around the world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was
devoured by savages, of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered."
Electricity seems
destined to play a most important part in the arts and industries. The
question of its economical application to some purposes is still
unsettled, but experiment has already proved that it will propel a street
car better than a gas jet and give more light than a horse.
Elegy, n. A
composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the methods of
humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind the dampest kind of
dejection. The most famous English example begins somewhat like this:
The cur foretells the knell of parting day;
The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea;
The wise man homeward plods; I only stay
To fiddle-faddle in a minor key.
Eloquence, n. The
art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to
be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
Elysium, n. An
imaginary delightful country which the ancients foolishly believed to be
inhabited by the spirits of the good. This ridiculous and mischievous
fable was swept off the face of the earth by the early Christians— may
their souls be happy in Heaven!
Emancipation, n. A
bondman's change from the tyranny of another to the despotism of himself.
He was a slave: at word he went and came;
His iron collar cut him to the bone.
Then Liberty erased his owner's name,
Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own.
G.J.
Embalm, v.i. To
cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming
their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and
vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country
barren and incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern
metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction, and many a dead
man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or
enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility.
We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the
violet and rose are languishing for a nibble at his glutaeus maximus.
Emotion, n. A
prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It
is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of
sodium from the eyes.
Encomiast, n. A
special (but not particular) kind of liar.
End, n. The
position farthest removed on either hand from the Interlocutor.
The man was perishing apace
Who played the tambourine;
The seal of death was on his face—
'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean.
"This is the end," the sick man said
In faint and failing tones.
A moment later he was dead,
And Tambourine was Bones.
Tinley Roquot.
Enough, pro. All
there is in the world if you like it.
Enough is as good as a feast— for that matter
Enougher's as good as a feast and the platter.
Arbely C. Strunk.
Entertainment, n. Any
kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by dejection.
Enthusiasm, n. A
distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection
with outward applications of experience. Byron, who recovered long enough
to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a relapse, which carried him off— to
Missolonghi.
Envelope, n. The
coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance;
the bed-gown of a love-letter.
Envy, n. Emulation
adapted to the meanest capacity.
Epaulet, n. An
ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military officer from the
enemy— that is to say, from the officer of lower rank to whom his death
would give promotion.
Epicure, n. An
opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, holding that pleasure
should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time in gratification of the
senses.
Epigram, n. A
short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterize by acidity
or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Following are some of the more
notable epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom:
We know better the
needs of ourselves than of others. To serve oneself is economy of
administration.
In each human heart
are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is
due to their unequal activity.
There are three sexes;
males, females and girls.
Beauty in women and
distinction in men are alike in this: they seem to be the unthinking a
kind of credibility.
Women in love are less
ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.
While your friend
holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can
watch both his.
Epitaph, n. An
inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a
retroactive effect. Following is a touching example:
Here lie the bones of Parson Platt,
Wise, pious, humble and all that,
Who showed us life as all should live it;
Let that be said— and God forgive it!
Erudition, n. Dust
shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
So wide his erudition's mighty span,
He knew Creation's origin and plan
And only came by accident to grief—
He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief.
Romach Pute.
Esoteric, adj. Very
particularly abstruse and consummately occult. The ancient philosophies
were of two kinds,— exoteric, those that the philosophers
themselves could partly understand, and esoteric, those that nobody
could understand. It is the latter that have most profoundly affected
modern thought and found greatest acceptance in our time.
Ethnology, n. The
science that treats of the various tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves,
swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists.
Eucharist, n. A
sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi.
A dispute once
unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was that they
ate. In this controversy some five hundred thousand have already been
slain, and the question is still unsettled.
Eulogy, n. Praise
of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the
consideration to be dead.
Evangelist, n. A
bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure
us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors.
Everlasting, adj. Lasting
forever. It is with no small diffidence that I venture to offer this brief
and elementary definition, for I am not unaware of the existence of a
bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of Worcester, entitled, A Partial
Definition of the Word "Everlasting," as Used in the Authorized Version of
the Holy Scriptures. His book was once esteemed of great authority in
the Anglican Church, and is still, I understand, studied with pleasure to
the mind and profit of the soul.
Exception, n. A
thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as
an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. "The exception proves the rule" is
an expression constantly upon the lips of the ignorant, who parrot it from
one another with never a thought of its absurdity. In the Latin, "Exceptio
probat regulam" means that the exception tests the rule, puts
it to the proof, not confirms it. The malefactor who drew the
meaning from this excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his
own exerted an evil power which appears to be immortal.
Excess, n. In
morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate penalties the law of
moderation.
Hail, high Excess— especially in wine,
To thee in worship do I bend the knee
Who preach abstemiousness unto me—
My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine.
Precept on precept, aye, and line on line,
Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree
With reason as thy touch, exact and free,
Upon my forehead and along my spine.
At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup,
With the hot grape I warm no more my wit;
When on thy stool of penitence I sit
I'm quite converted, for I can't get up.
Ungrateful he who afterward would falter
To make new sacrifices at thine altar!
Excommunication, n.
This "excommunication" is a word
In speech ecclesiastical oft heard,
And means the damning, with bell, book and candle,
Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal—
A rite permitting Satan to enslave him
Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him.
Gat Huckle.
Executive, n. An
officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the
legislative power until such time as the judicial department shall be
pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect. Following is an
extract from an old book entitled, The Lunarian Astonished—
Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803:
LUNARIAN:
Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes directly to the Supreme
Court in order that it may at once be known whether it is constitutional?
TERRESTRIAN:
O no; it does not require the approval of the Supreme Court until having
perhaps been enforced for many years somebody objects to its operation
against himself— I mean his client. The President, if he approves it,
begins to execute it at once.
LUNARIAN:
Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative. Do your policemen
also have to approve the local ordinances that they enforce?
TERRESTRIAN:
Not yet— at least not in their character of constables. Generally
speaking, though, all laws require the approval of those whom they are
intended to restrain.
LUNARIAN:
I see. The death warrant is not valid until signed by the murderer.
TERRESTRIAN:
My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not so consistent.
LUNARIAN:
But this system of maintaining an expensive judicial machinery to pass
upon the validity of laws only after they have long been executed, and
then only when brought before the court by some private person— does it
not cause great confusion?
TERRESTRIAN:
It does.
LUNARIAN:
Why then should not your laws, previously to being executed, be validated,
not by the signature of your President, but by that of the Chief Justice
of the Supreme Court?
TERRESTRIAN:
There is no precedent for any such course.
LUNARIAN:
Precedent. What is that?
TERRESTRIAN:
It has been defined by five hundred lawyers in three volumes each. So how
can any one know?
Exhort, v.t. In
religious affairs, to put the conscience of another upon the spit and
roast it to a nut-brown discomfort.
Exile, n. One
who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador.
An English
sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile of Erin," replied: "No,
sir, but I should like to anchor on it." Years afterwards, when he had
been hanged as a pirate after a career of unparalleled atrocities, the
following memorandum was found in the ship's log that he had kept at the
time of his reply:
Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a
joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly received. War with the whole world!
Existence, n.
A transient, horrible, fantastic dream,
Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem:
From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge
Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!"
Experience, n. The
wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the
folly that we have already embraced.
To one who, journeying through night and fog,
Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog,
Experience, like the rising of the dawn,
Reveals the path that he should not have gone.
Joel Frad Bink.
Expostulation, n. One
of the many methods by which fools prefer to lose their friends.
Extinction, n. The
raw material out of which theology created the future state.
Fairy, n. A
creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerly inhabited the
meadows and forests. It was nocturnal in its habits, and somewhat addicted
to dancing and the theft of children. The fairies are now believed by
naturalists to be extinct, though a clergyman of the Church of England saw
three near Colchester as lately as 1855, while passing through a park
after dining with the lord of the manor. The sight greatly staggered him,
and he was so affected that his account of it was incoherent. In the year
1807 a troop of fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the
daughter of a peasant, who had been seen to enter it with a bundle of
clothing. The son of a wealthy bourgeois disappeared about the same
time, but afterward returned. He had seen the abduction and been in
pursuit of the fairies. Justinian Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth
century, avers that so great is the fairies' power of transformation that
he saw one change itself into two opposing armies and fight a battle with
great slaughter, and that the next day, after it had resumed its original
shape and gone away, there were seven hundred bodies of the slain which
the villagers had to bury. He does not say if any of the wounded
recovered. In the time of Henry III, of England, a law was made which
prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndynge, or mamynge" a
fairy, and it was universally respected.
Faith, n. Belief
without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of
things without parallel.
Famous, adj. Conspicuously
miserable.
Done to a turn on the iron, behold
Him who to be famous aspired.
Content? Well, his grill has a plating of gold,
And his twistings are greatly admired.
Hassan Brubuddy.
Fashion, n. A
despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.
A king there was who lost an eye
In some excess of passion;
And straight his courtiers all did try
To follow the new fashion.
Each dropped one eyelid when before
The throne he ventured, thinking
'Twould please the king. That monarch swore
He'd slay them all for winking.
What should they do? They were not hot
To hazard such disaster;
They dared not close an eye— dared not
See better than their master.
Seeing them lacrymose and glum,
A leech consoled the weepers:
He spread small rags with liquid gum
And covered half their peepers.
The court all wore the stuff, the flame
Of royal anger dying.
That's how court-plaster got its name
Unless I'm greatly lying.
Naramy Oof.
Feast, n. A
festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and
drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for
abstemiousness. In the Roman Catholic Church feasts are "movable" and
"immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly immovable until they are
full. In their earliest development these entertainments took the form of
feasts for the dead; such were held by the Greeks, under the name
Nemeseia, by the Aztecs and Peruvians, as in modern times they are
popular with the Chinese; though it is believed that the ancient dead,
like the modern, were light eaters. Among the many feasts of the Romans
was the Novemdiale, which was held, according to Livy, whenever
stones fell from heaven.
Felon, n. A
person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in embracing an
opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment.
Female, n. One
of the opposing, or unfair, sex.
The Maker, at Creation's birth,
With living things had stocked the earth.
From elephants to bats and snails,
They all were good, for all were males.
But when the Devil came and saw
He said: "By Thine eternal law
Of growth, maturity, decay,
These all must quickly pass away
And leave untenanted the earth
Unless Thou dost establish birth"—
Then tucked his head beneath his wing
To laugh— he had no sleeve— the thing
With deviltry did so accord,
That he'd suggested to the Lord.
The Master pondered this advice,
Then shook and threw the fateful dice
Wherewith all matters here below
Are ordered, and observed the throw;
Then bent His head in awful state,
Confirming the decree of Fate.
From every part of earth anew
The conscious dust consenting flew,
While rivers from their courses rolled
To make it plastic for the mould.
Enough collected (but no more,
For niggard Nature hoards her store)
He kneaded it to flexible clay,
While Nick unseen threw some away.
And then the various forms He cast,
Gross organs first and finer last;
No one at once evolved, but all
By even touches grew and small
Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade,
To match all living things He'd made
Females, complete in all their parts
Except (His clay gave out) the hearts.
"No matter," Satan cried; "with speed
I'll fetch the very hearts they need"—
So flew away and soon brought back
The number needed, in a sack.
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